Black Women White Men, White Women Black Men - Part2
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Many Black women feel betrayed by the Brother who marries a White woman, especially those who show a preference for other women. The problem is exacerbated by Black men who exclude Black women in favor of White women due to what some call “racial brainwashing.” Black women are annoyed, to say the least, by Black men who say they favor White women because Black women are “not as feminine,” “too strong,” “too demanding,” or “sexually uptight.”
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Social psychologist Dr. Julia Hare says that ironically, these same Black men often are the ones who ostracize Black women when they date White men. And Brothers are incensed by Black women who say they marry White men because Black men don’t know how to treat a woman.”
In addition, many people assume a White man is with a Black woman because of her sexual prowess or that he thinks he owns her. They assume that a White woman is with a Black man because of his sexual prowess, or that he is attracted to her because she represents the “forbidden fruit.” Both mindsets reflect our history of being enslaved by Whites.
In reality, say relationship therapists and Black women themselves, many Sisters end up dating and marrying White men because they have difficulty meeting and connecting with Black men. Dr. Hare says many Black women, especially college-educated, professional Black women, believe there is a shortage of Black men on their income and status levels. “Black women marry. White men because they want to make a commitment,” says Dr. Hare. “They are maturing and their biological clocks are ticking. They want to find a man who they feel will love them. They realize they have to look elsewhere if they want to start families.”
Dr. Hare cautions that Black women and Black men both should not mistakenly think that those of another race can or will love them more or treat them better than those of their own race. She explains that society expects women to “marry up” or better themselves by their choice of husbands. “But a good Black man may not be able to be defined as we define a good White man,” explains Dr. Hare. “If the Black man doesn’t have the job, financial security and nice home, then we assume he is not a `good Black man.’ But that is not fair. We have forgotten about the spiritual qualities that the UPS driver and other blue-collar men may bring to the relationship.”
Nadine Kijak of Chicago says she did not marry her husband, Zbigiew (who is Polish) because she could not find a Black man. She married him because of “the friendship, the compatibility, the fact we fell in love.”
Nadine met her husband five years ago while waiting for a girlfriend at Michael Jordan’s restaurant in Chicago. Four months later he proposed marriage in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. They married and honeymooned at a resort in the Caribbean.
The couple say they have not experienced any negative backlash in Chicago, but they did get some glares and stares when Nadine took her husband to Mississippi to meet her family. “We were sitting in a restaurant in Jackson. We had different dishes, and she was feeding me from her plate, like she usually does,” recalls Zbigiew. “All of a sudden all conversation stopped in the restaurant. It was quiet. I said, `Oh, honey, we’re the center of attention.’ We were holding hands and everything. No one ever said a word; it was just the way they looked at us. It really wasn’t nasty though.”
by Lynn Norment
